Having a time machine opens up an endless world of possibilities. You can think for days on end and never really run out of new ideas to screw things up with. The first and most important thing to remember is not the tell anyone at all you have one. At this point you may ask, isn’t blogging about this basically doing just that? Sheldon and I don’t power this up till the May 30th in the year 2031 so we’re cool. It’s not like you really believe me anyways and as long as the military thinks the same we can get away with no end of shit. The reason I know we invent a time machine is because I told me I did. The me from 2031 popped into my man cave a while back and after an uncomfortable moment asked me to follow him into the living room. Prince my dog, he’s a king Charles cavalier spaniel with all his bits, was chewing at the foot of what looked like a Wurlitzer organ with a racing car seat strapped onto it. The older me didn’t look all that much different due do to he explained the anti aging research advancements I would put out in the 2020’s. Prince looked at the two of us trying to work this out for a moment, gave up, then sat down to beg for a doggy treat. We laughed when we both took one out of our pocket and gave them to him. It was an icebreaker. The older me patted his fury head and informed me that he still had Princes descendant King Charles the 3rd. Did you ever wonder if you ever met yourself would you even like you. When both of you have high functioning autism it gets even more complicated. We worked it out. Apparently the older me was on a mission. Sheldon and he had made it into NORAD in 2027 and unplugged their nukes and now they had to lay low for a bit. I asked about his ride and he let me get up on it. The leather seat seemed to just fold around me as the control panel lit up like a jet fighter. Older me gave me a quick run through then flashed me a smile, “There’s a package under the seat. You might need that.” He punched the large red button. You know, the one you’re never supposed to touch. The Wurlitzer rose to a threatening hum. The room started to spin and my vision became a blur. Was that Prince leaping in to save me? Older me was shouting something, “Sorry, I just wanted to have some time with my wife again! Don’t worry you’ll be back in a week or so! Say hi to Lucy for me –
All I could come up with was “Hey, what?”
Everything went black _____________________________________ to be continued
DATING LUCY – continued
The darkness continued for a very long time until I began to realize that is exactly what it was. I was someplace very dark. Small sounds permeated the cold silence. Water was dripping somewhere edged with noises of something stirring. I had taken Prince out earlier for his walk and the mega flashlight I bought in shop smart was still in my pocket. I whipped it out and hit the high beam. The ceiling above me exploded in a frenzy of fleeing wings. I dropped down under the time machine and switched my light to a pen light size. I was sheltering from literally a shit storm of bat droppings. That’s when I noticed the silver suitcase strapped there under the seat. I snatched the note taped on top and read it between breaths. This was because I was somewhere between a panic attack and heart failure. The note was in my own handwriting addressed to myself.
The very first thing to do is don’t panic. I know that’s coming a little late right now but think it through. I came to you from the year 2033 and I was all in one piece. So you’re fine right? Don’t try jumping off a cliff or anything testing this but both you and Prince get back here totally all right so just calm down. The you in 2033 ( me ) packed you this case to keep you safe. The wife and I are off to Paris in the morning so don’t worry, and oh there’s just this one last thing. Remember you can’t change anything. What ever happens always happens so don’t beat yourself up about that when you shoot Bob.
I glanced around the tiny cave to get an idea where I was. Small eyes blinked back at me from the corners then scurried away. Rats I thought, or something like rats. This seemed like the ideal time to open my survivor suitcase. Right on top was the biggest shiniest handgun I’d ever seen. It was a weapon of the future. Each clip held a lot of high caliper rounds. Also in the case were a toothbrush, candy bars, and bunch of things I’d have to go through later. I pulled out what looked like thin black long johns and quickly put them on. To my surprise I was instantly warm. After strapping on my pistol I looked like some ninja who gets offed in a video game. Tossing my now useless clothing into the case I began searching for a way out. It took some time but I located a small opening and emerged into what appeared to be a much larger section of the cave. The faintest emission of light showed ahead of me leading me upward. I stopped suddenly. Terrible sounds were coming from that direction. Women and children were screaming in terror. Then came the roar. It echoed down towards me in the darkness. Fear is not something that autistics work well with. It was all I could do not to piss myself in my new ninja pants. Instead I found myself running towards the sounds. I burst out into the larger part of the cave. An enormous dark shadow crouched in the caves opening. It rose ready to pounce on what looked to be a young girl fallen before it. The only thing keeping it at bay was a small black and white dog gnashing his teeth at it. Rushing in I flicked on my mega beam and screamed “F—k off!” I know, kind of lame, but it was all I could think of. In the blinding light stood a massive bear as big as an SUV brandishing super sized claws and teeth. The girl rolled away and grabbed a burning branch from a fire then jammed it into something that caused it to erupt like a volcano. Leaping through the air she stabbed it into the monsters face. It fled the cave leaving the smell of burning fur. I became aware that I had been holding my gun, pointing it. I holstered it and got hold of prince in order to calm him down. No need, he was absolutely elated. He leapt into my arms and showered me with doggy kisses. This was as much action as he had seen in his whole life. Poor thing just never seems to understand how little he really is. In his mind he’s a big dog. The young girl was just standing there looking at us trying to work any of this out. I showed her a smile and came over to her. Tentatively she allowed Prince to lick her fingers. She giggled and we laughed together. Others in the cave came forward. There were two small boys. Identical twins I came to call Ugg and Glugg. Their mother Elma appeared thin and old yet had the eyes of a woman in her 30s. All these people seemed happy to see me and after a few days in their company I came to understand why. Lucy took me by the hand and showed some drawings at the back of the cave. She again lit a branch dipped into the strange power. In the glittering light she pointed to two men running after a herd of woolly mammoths. Lucy demonstrated with a series of grunts and shrieks how this event ended with the men being stomped on. She expresses this in tears on her hands and knees pounding her fist into the ground shrieking "thud, thud, thud!". There were no men here now, no one to hunt for them, or protect them. They were all alone. Communication got easier when it finally occurred to me that all the gesturing and grunts they used was because everyone here thought I was stupid. Their language was limited to only a few words simply derived from the sounds around them. Drop a rock and it goes thud. Hit the rock with another rock and you get the word rock etc. The twins followed me everywhere, naturally curious about everything about me. Late at night Lucy and I would talk or least she did. Conversations to her consisted of her going on excitedly for endless periods without allowing anyone else a moment to speak. Naturualy, direct eye contact was fleeting. Once I had discovered I was on the spectrum I worked to correct this in myself. I scan the speakers right eye studying them like a detective trying to analyze them. Autistics avoid eye contact for the simplest of reasons. We don't want to. Overcoming that can give you the edge in encounters with NT's. The other thing is if you don't look into someones eyes, after a lifetime everyone you meet seems to look like someone you have met over and over again. By looking straight and hard into someone eyes you see that person is uniquely themselves and no one else. The eyes are the window to the soul. The answers you seek are there. I reached out and held Lucy's face in my hands and looked into hers. She was an autistic female in the stone age. It was she who did the painting of the cave wall. The one who found a way to use the manganese dioxide as a fire started. A shock went through me. I knew why I was here now. Lucy was my ancestor.
One day Lucy drew out on the ground an image of herself and someone else holding hands, then pointed longingly out of the cave into the valley below. Lucy it seemed had a boyfriend somewhere out there. I smiled to show her I was happy for her and asked her his name. She placed her hands over her heart and she told me. His name was Bob.
DATING LUCY – to be continued
DATING LUCY - continued
In the cold of night my tribe, as I now thought of them, would snuggle down under a pile of animal furs and try to out snore each other. Between their warm bodies and all the farting they seemed to find the warmth they needed to get them through. Naturally Prince was in there somewhere. To him this was doggy heaven. When I was sure they were all asleep I would take a moment to go down into the cave to checkup on my time machine. I was a little worried about the rats eating the wiring but no worries there was no wiring. However this thing was put together or what ever powered it was way beyond my understanding. The contents of my silver survivor suitcase revealed an endless treasure of God I need that. My warm ninja like suit came with some mass upgrades. It was, as I thought, military grade. This was confirmed by the tag pinned to it stating, military surplus finale sale no returns. Apparently it had been on markdown. Space like boots, gloves with strange buttons, a belt with a big red button on it, everything I could want for Christmas. I suited up, pulled up my hoody, then went looking for a mirror.
My mega light illuminated the dark pool. Was this really me in the reflection, a kind of cyber ninja from the future with poor fashion sence? I laughed then stopped suddenly. I remembered the gun. The presence of the gun bothered me. Was the me, in the future, running from something? What was that he said, something about norad? Is this why he had this defensive like suit? I tried to shake it off. The last part of the suit was a heavy pair of what appeared to be dark sunglasses. I slipped them on. After all, everything is cooler when you’re wearing shades, right? Translucent view screens flashed up showing statistical readouts. The cave bloomed into night vision. It was the voice that brought me to my knees. It was her voice.
“My name is June, how may I assist you?”
I spent the night with her, or at least a digital representation of her. It comforted me but I knew it wasn’t real. The futuristic operating platform the glasses used seemed to know what I needed before I did. June gave an overview of the substance the suit was made of. What appeared to be simple cloth was really a type of composite bio Nano technology. The suit was alive and it would do anything to keep it self that way. I was just getting comfortable with this when it stung me for the first time. For a moment I thought I had sat on a bee, or worse one had got inside the suit. June giggled and explained I needed a continues course of meds to protect myself from getting sick. The suit was simply immunizing me against literally everything. Still I wasn't going to be able to sit for a while. June told me to "Suck it up ya big baby." then came up with a novel idea, “ It's early yet why don’t you go out for a walk, take Prince with you, he’s smelling up the cave anyways.” I wouldn’t know, the overpowering stench I had found myself in had caused me to go nose blind day one.
Morning came over the distant snow covered hills, giving light to the sparse greenery of the valley. The day showed the promise of a clear sky with the hint of warmth. Prince and I slipped quietly out of the caves entrance. I looked back to see if anyone had noticed. They were all there smiling happily lined up behind me. Food had gone scarce in the cave and it was market day. Lucy handed me a club. I was the alpha male and I was to lead them.
We paused at the edge of a woodland and drank at a small stream. Lucy, like the others, moved silently. Each was constantly aware of their surroundings. The sounds of life, was all around us. You were either predator or prey here. Ugg and Glugg went to work, gathering firewood for their mother. Every once in a while they would reach down and snatch something, be it from foliage or dirt , and popped that into their mouths. Lucky pulled up some kind of root and placed it into my hand, and swear to God said, “Yum”, then motioned me to eat. I was absolutely starving. Deftly I knocked the dirt off of it, jammed it into my mouth, and chewed. It was somewhere between a radish and a turnip. When I attempted to help Lucy look for more she stopped me, pointed two fingers at my eyes, then motioned around her. You keep watch, she was saying.
We ate as we went along until we reached an area of open grassland surrounded by low trees. The boys climbed up into the trees to gather eggs. Prince was in hunting mode with his nose to the ground. I have had a number of dogs in my life but despite his size Prince was a born hunter. Naturally the animal scents here were driving him nuts. Our spoils were laid out on a skin so we could tote them home. Lucy brought me a cute little mammal she had dragged out of a hole, and then happily snapped its neck. Prince spoiled the moment. It seemed he had found something of interest out there. We came upon the largest pile of dung I had ever seen. Prince sniffed at it. What ever had made this even he didn’t want a piece of. The fact that it was so fresh it was literally steaming made this worse. Lucy caught her breath and looked around widely. Prince gave a low growl toward the tall grass. It seemed to be parting like a sea that was rushing towards us. The ground began to shake. Lucy sounded the alarm, “Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud!” then ran for the trees. Prince had the good sense to follow. It was too late for me. I caught the flash of the rhino’s horns as it bore down on me. Digging my heals into the ground, I turned to face him, and pressed the red button on my belt.
There was a sharp pain as if I stuck my finger in a light socket. I phased out of time just as the beast lifted it's deadly horns into my nuts. It was so quiet for a moment, so peaceful, and then I was back. The rhino had traveled right through me. Mindlessly it carry on towards the remaining targets before it. Lucy had gained the trees and was accenting up into its branches. Prince however, couldn't outrun the thing chasing him, and in no way could he climb a tree. He dodged hard to the right beneath the monsters feet. Swinging round his pursuer lumbered after him. I bolted forward at an unbelievable speed, scooped Prince up, and leaped upwards. I remembered thinking, "Is this what it's like to fly?" I took hold of the highest branch of the tree then looked down. My tribe in the lower limbs had forgotten about our aggressor and were staring transfixed up at us. They were as the Brits say, Gobsmacked. The frustrated rhino was snorting and spinning in circles. It might have simple gone away, all be it mad on its own, if not for the twins. Unsatisfied with just flinging down bits of branches, they pulled out their emerging manhood, and proceeded to gleefully piss on him. This action only served to enrage the creature to the point of madness. He tundled off then tuned and lowered his horns towards us. Bull like his hooves raked the ground. He came on with all his fury. His charge struck the trunk of the tree with the force of a mac truck. The tree lost. Only a few remaining roots kept it from falling completely. The tribe survived the shock but not me. The branch i had hold of gave a loud snapping sound. The rhino looked up hopefully. Prince and I plummeted down like a stone. I aways wanted to be surfer. The one and only time I tried I fell off my board in a mere heartbeat. I never truly recovered form that Hawaiian dude making fun of me when I lost the speedo I was wearing. Imagine my extreme surprise to break our fall by landing feet first on a great wooly rhino. Really, a pro gymnast couldn't have stuck it better. The rhino freaks out. I all my adventures this is one of my favourite moments. Prince and I, the wind in our faces surfing on the back of a terrified brute racing though the high grass, might be at top of my list. It only lasted 36 seconds. My ride tumbled down under me rolling in a cloud of dirt and rhino snot. I whirled threw the air tearing into the earth. Prince fell out of the sky like a football right into my arms. I went to look at the rhino slumped on the ground. He didn't seem to be hurt in any way. Just out of breath, and very much afraid. I looked into his eyes, pat him gently on the head, and went back to my tribe.
- to be continued